Living without a plan.

When I was little I agonized about growing up because unlike other kids who could imagine a future, I couldn’t because I didn’t have a clue of what I hoped or wanted. Growing up didn’t look good. It looked gloomy and dark. I felt helpless and lost in what I thought was a terrifying jungle and just hoped to stay as I was, in the safe comfort of home.

Decision-making therefore has never been one of my strengths. Somehow I have been able to fall into the right things that made me happy as I grew up, but I never seemed to be able to make conscious decisions. So far, so good, but I know that often my life would have been a lot easier if I had allowed myself to imagine a future that was bright and positive.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I just went along with it and never planned. I always have ended up standing and working in places I have really enjoyed and loved. As a teacher this is not that easy, I hear, but I’ve been the luckiest person having found my passion thanks to my father, grandfather and Sonia, my former boss, who were and are teachers too and my mentors. All passionate about what they do.

I have always excelled at my job, not so much in other affairs, especially those of the heart, my main focus always being my job. Now I find that it’s a good thing in a way. I can stand on my own two feet somehow since my priority has always been work, and then everything else. This may isolate some, but since I teach, I have gotten my fix of social interactions this way and this has been and is very fulfilling. Plus, I have an amazing network of friends and family who stand by me.

As I face the rest of my life at fifty, I still have no clue what I will be doing next, where I’ll be living, but the good thing is that I’m not so scared anymore. I trust everything will be OK. I trust that things will fall into place. Who am I to plan and get in the way of life’s own plan for me, since it’s always been the right thing?

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