Time is running out

Who hasn’t felt at some point in their lives that time was running out? Certainly not in youth. But, at a certain age, we start pondering this question and try to figure out a roadmap and stick to it. We probably make a bucket list of things we want to do or want in our lives. Some, like myself, don’t have a clear idea of what we want but feel the same urgency.

I’m not thinking about it all day, but as I now enjoy a quiet and leisurely life, this sudden urgency that time is running out lights up in my brain intermittently. I suddenly feel an urgency to fulfill a bucket list which I have yet to complete, much less put into action. Here are some items I have already crossed out of my list: landing a job I love, work colleagues I respect and enjoy working with, travel and spend time with family and friends this year, and leaving behind a dark chapter.

On my list, I finally felt ready to add “meeting that special someone” but I get discouraged because what I think I want may be something I may not be able to handle. The truth may be that deep down I’m scared. Scared of the crazy similar drug-induced high that comes with these affairs of the heart. As Helen Fisher says, being in love is like a coke high, the difference being the down is quicker with the drug. And love does feel much like drug addiction. Do I want to put myself through that again? Can I live contently without a partner? I’m pretty sure I can, but it would be nice to have someone who cares about me enough to ask me how my day was or someone to simply chill with at the end of the day. This must mean I want to skip the pink cloud phase. Or don’t want to go through the trouble. This would be like cheating on an exam. It never works.

However, I just found myself chatting and cheering my teen about how being in love is painful, and happy, and crazy and every single person goes through it as a right of passage. So, I should erase all those fear-filled thoughts of mine and keep that “looking for a special someone” on my bucket list and walk with her, maybe holding her hand as we both travel this windy road.

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