Drinking, I thought would take away all my fears and demons, but it only doubled them once the effect was over. That chapter of my life is long gone but there is always something that will substitute that addiction.
Addiction is a distraction, a way to escape the moment and hopefully, it will make us feel good, but that’s all wrong. Yet knowing this, I still find escapes, and they all come at a cost.
I find myself at night searching for the shoes that will transform me, make me happy and change my life. I know how ridiculous this idea is and understand it intellectually, but I am driven to indulge in the search of footwear, secretly believing that one pair will make me feel perfectly happy at long last.
Ridiculous, right? I even find myself waking up as if I had been drinking and suddenly remember that I ordered a pair of shoes the night before that I actually don’t need. Then rush to cancel the order. I don’t always cancel and my wonderful shoes arrive. I open the package with wondrous excitement, always feeling guilty that somewhere, someone, has no shoes to wear and here I am indulging in yet another pair of shoes.
Once I have them, I may then forget about them, love them and wear them daily, or end up giving them away to some friend who wears my size. All too often I feel an immense remorse and disappointment because the shoes didn’t actually deliver what I hoped they would. Just like drugs, the feeling I seek is so fleeting.
This is too, is a sort of avoidance behavior. Avoidance of focusing on what is really important, to find fulfillment outside of work, because work is the only thing that completes me, after that, I’m a bit lost. Thus, I indulge in my shoe “therapy.”
However, this acknowledgment does make me more aware and I know I can slowly but surely find a way to curb that thirst, and this will enable me to find better ways to fill my time, face myself and life without indulging in a fantasy that makes no real sense and only makes me feel worse.