How much I hated thee…

Oh, how I hated thee all my life. Now, when time has healed most wounds and stripped away many layers of anger, I start to love you and feel sorry I didn’t feel this way about you sooner.

I hated you for your weaknesses, your self-doubt, your fears, your failures, your lack of commitment, your slow learning process, your inability to make friends, your shyness, your insecurities, lack of concentration. I hated you for being weak, for making such dumb mistakes by trying to please everyone, for allowing others to manipulate you because of your low self-esteem. I hated your addictions, your short temper, your face, your body. I hated you, in short, for not being perfect.

But my hate is now over. I love you and see you as you were; a helpless lost kid. Lost in a world not fit for you. A world that expects perfection. You are far from perfect, but now I see you under a different lens; you are now perfect to me.

I look at your picture, your baby picture, and  I see painfully sad eyes. And through those eyes your awareness of how much I hated you. Yes, I abandoned you. I gave up on you.

It may be too late to repair the damage, but it’s not late yet to ask you to forgive me. I do love you. You are all I have. You are still part of me, you are “me” all grown up, and finally free of all that anger and hatred.

I’m deeply sorry. I’ll take care of you now. I will no longer hate or hurt you willingly. At a certain age, we must go back and make amends with ourselves, with the child we were.

And this is my way of finding closure, self-respect, love and that long sought after peace.

May you learn to make amends with the child you once were and learn to love and cherish that grown up you’ve become with all your perfect imperfections.

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