The emotional toll of online dating

Every relationship takes emotional energy but also has its rewards. With family and friend relationships it’s usually an easy sail. You know what to expect and you rarely have to part ways, until one of you dies.

Online dating, however, is the most energy and time-sucking experience I have ever had. One gets to experience the whole rainbow of emotions in such a brief time that it takes a huge toll. Unless, that is, you hit the jackpot early on in your online dating journey or have such thick skin that you no longer care. Unfortunately, neither of these two options is the case for me.

It takes me about a month to recover from a date gone bad to even think of trying again. I take breaks from online dating. I always say to myself, never again, but then I’m convinced by someone to keep at it and eventually I go back to online dating, hoping that the next time I will be: more open-minded, more forgiving, more assertive, more understanding… more… anything that I probably should not try to be. I always give others the benefit of the doubt, and I am starting to think I’m wrong. I should be following my gut from the start and always doubt online daters’ intentions until I’m proven wrong.

So far I’ve learned:

  • Make a list of what you don’t like in a potential partner even before you go on an online dating site.
  • Friends come first. Never change a plan you have with friends for a date.
  • There’s no rush. It could take a year or a lifetime to meet The One.
  • Maybe it’s best to start any relationship with the premise of friendship first and then, much later on, decide whether it’s going anywhere romantically or not.
  • Pay attention to all the red flags and if he shows “ He’s not really into you,” believe it!
  • Meet his/her friends as soon as possible. We are, after all, the sum of the friends we hang out with. By knowing his or her friends you will know your date better.
  • Don’t try the impossible. If you know it’s hard to meet for dates because of distance or schedule, and you don’t like that, it won’t get better. Don’t even set up the first meet & greet!
  • True intimacy comes from talking and telling them who you really are and vice versa, and through actions. Chatting online is not the same as having a real-life relationship.
  • Give the relationship up early if you have any doubts at all. If your gut says “there’s something weird about him,” there probably is!
  • The heart and the brain don’t work together all that often. Listen to your brain first and foremost.
  • Not everyone reads your bio on an online dating site. They may simply just look at your photographs. So, good pictures may not be such a great idea after all.
  • If the date takes too much energy from the start, it’s not worth it. It should be fun and easy most of the time.
  • Just because the person is fun and interesting, it doesn’t mean it will work out for you as a couple.
  • Make sure from the start that you both are on the same page. If one of you is looking for a fling and the other one wants a life partner, it’s not going to work!
  • It’s more than OK to be alone. This is a good time to establish a great relationship with yourself. When you like the person you are with (you), you are never lonely.
  • When someone doesn’t pan out as expected, switch out feelings of rejection for relief.
  • Don’t read between the lines. Ask and be straightforward. Cut to the chase and don’t waste time and energy hoping to figure someone out.
  • If there’s something that doesn’t add up, lace up your shoes and run for the hills.

Now, I’m in recovery mode from my last experience. Let’s see how the next chapter goes! Live and learn, is what I tell myself. Everything worth doing takes practice.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s