I believe in owning up to how we are and where we fail, I also believe we learn about ourselves from the relationships we form throughout our lifetimes. I unfortunately or not, learned a valuable lesson about myself in my last romantic stint, that I belong to the avoidance group. It’s heartbreaking to see what the problem is and not being able to fix it. As my last romance said, we are hardwired that way and there’s nothing to do about it.
Now that I’ve realized I’m this way, I’ve read up on the subject and unfortunately, I seem to mimic the symptoms exactly: extreme anxiety when getting close to someone, fear of abandonment, intimacy and feeling the need to run. In the article “Fear of intimacy and closeness,’ by Hal Shorey Ph.D. in Psychology Today , Mr. Shorey mentions what I feel to be true, that having an avoidant personality doesn’t mean we don’t care, on the contrary, we care too much but don’t know how to stay.
Whether this is something I carry from my childhood is of little relevance now. I will try to sit still if there is a next time. However, I’m not one to look for love since it’s a source of discomfort. While everything is great at the beginning and I feel ready to commit, after a while I start to shut down and move away. It’s an unconscious reaction I cannot seem to control.
I myself will probably sit still and wait life out. But I encourage anyone who is young and feels the same way to seek professional help.
I truly understand that this is something nobody who is perfectly healthy and sane should deal with. We break your hearts and our own.
That’s probably another reason why I love dogs. You know, without a doubt that they will stay, never abandon you or reject you, no matter how crazy you are.